Feeling trapped caring for an aging parent?

If you’re the caregiver for an elderly parent and have thought: “I love my parent, but this is consuming my life,” you’re far from alone. Feeling trapped caring for elderly parents is extremely common. Importantly, experiencing feelings of resentment, suffocation, or numbness doesn’t make you a bad son or daughter. It’s a human reaction to a difficult situation.

While feeling trapped as a caregiver is normal, that doesn’t mean there aren’t ways to lessen the burden you’re feeling, and to help you get through this tough time with more strength and resilience.

Read on to understand why feeling trapped as a caregiver is so common, what makes it worse, ways to cope, and how to find effective emotional support.

Key takeaways

• Feeling trapped is a normal reaction to caring for elderly parents, who can be stressful and overwhelming.
• Coping with this situation may include instituting boundaries, seeking outside care help, and attending therapy.
• You might feel guilty when you start seeking support and setting limits, but these kinds of actions are necessary and will make ongoing caregiving possible.

Why adult children can feel trapped as caregivers

It can be hard for others to understand just how all-consuming caring for elderly parents is unless you are in it yourself. I care for my mother who has Alzheimer’s, and I often say that caring for her has felt like having a surprise baby in my late 40s who I must care for alongside my teenage children… except my teens are actually easier to care for, and are more independent at this point than she is.

On top of the emotional burden, I’m doing it all while holding a full-time job, managing her care team, fighting with her insurance companies, going through perimenopause, and having to deplete my savings to subsidize her care. It’s a job I never expected to have at my age, and it’s one I often wish I didn’t have—as much as I love my mother, and would never leave her without l care.

Factors that make elder caregiving feel overwhelming

Each caregiving situation is unique, and we’re all coming from different backgrounds managing different responsibilities and burdens. Still, there are some caregiving truths that most of us can relate to.

Some of the factors that can make the job of caregiving make you feel like you’re trapped include:

• The role reversal that typically happens when children become their parent’s caregiver, decision-maker, advocate, scheduler, and crisis manager
• Anticipatory grief that can occur before death has happened, as you watch your loved one decline
• Feelings of guilt and grief that can cause you not to recognize your own limits as a caregiver
• Shame around wanting to check out or give yourself time to rest
• Isolation or separation from the things that nourish your soul, such as family, friends, hobbies, travel, and a social life
• Physical exhaustion from lack of sleep, hypervigilance, decision fatigue, and burnout
• Financial stress from having to pay for in-home care, assisted living, or basic amenities for your loved one
• Fear that saying “I can’t do this anymore” or “my elderly mother or father is consuming my life” makes you sound selfish

Signs caregiving may be consuming your life

“My elderly mother/father is consuming my life” isn’t just a thought you might have. It’s a real, potent experience, and one that can impact multiple areas of your life. How can you know if your caregiver burden is too much, or is affecting your life in a way that can be detrimental?

Here are some signs to watch for:

• You feel resentful or panicked every time the phone rings.
• You have virtually no uninterrupted time to think or simply be.
• You often have trouble falling asleep or sleeping through the night.
• You’re constantly exhausted, even if you were able to get some sleep.
• Your marriage or relationships with others isn’t being given attention.
• Your job is suffering.
• You feel like you can’t properly parent your kids.
• You feel guilt or worry anytime you begin to rest or unwind.
• You often fantasize about escaping your life or caregiving situation.
• You don’t feel like yourself, or feel like you’re losing the heart of who you are.
• You have physical symptoms of stress, like headaches, stomachaches, and sore muscles.

When you’re an only child caring for aging parents

Caregiving can be an isolating experience as it is, but when you’re caregiving as an only child, the burden can be even more intense. Caregiving as only child can make you feel extra trapped because:

• You have no one to share responsibilities with, including appointments, decisions, emotional labor, emergencies, and finances.
• You are even more likely to feel hyper-responsible.
• You are also more likely to feel guilt about having any limits or boundaries.
• You have no one to bounce ideas off of, help make difficult decisions, and share the emotional burden or caring for elderly parents.

It’s not just only children who may feel an intense level of burden. There are many caregivers with siblings who can’t or won’t help out, and who end up carrying all or most of the responsibility of caring for their elderly parents. This is particularly common if you’re the sibling who lives nearest to your parent. Daughters are also more likely to carry caregiving burdens than sons.

What to do if you’re carrying it all yourself

Whether you’re an only child or a solo-caregiver, there are things you can do to ease the burden:

• Build a support team of friends, social workers, care managers, doctors, or other community members who can support your family in various ways.
• Make time for yourself each day, even if just a few minutes, reminding yourself that you can’t care for your parent if you don’t care for yourself.
• Look into respite care services in your community if you’re caring for your parent full-time, and consider options like adult daycare, in-home care, or a move to a care facility.

When you’re providing both caregiving and financial support

There are several ways that adult children may experience financial strain when caring for their elderly parents—from direct costs that they end up covering, to hidden costs such as missed work. Adding a financial burden to an already stressful caregiving situation can make “feeling trapped” all the more intense.

Some ways that financial support may show up in an elder care situation:

• Paying for in-home care or care in a facility (assisted living, nursing home)
• Paying for medical supplies or other medical treatments
• Paying for home safety upgrades
• Paying for a loved one’s necessities, like food, electricity, mortgage, house upkeep, etc
• Having to miss work (which may be unpaid), using up vacation time, lost promotions, travel and gas fees

Practical ways to reduce the pressure

Sometimes financial responsibilities can’t be avoided, but there are some ways to reduce or even stop paying for all of your loved one’s expenses:

• List all monthly caregiving costs in one place, and make sure you’re only covering essential costs, rather than “nice-to-have” expenses.
• Connect with your area agency on aging to find out if your parent qualifies for benefits, discounts, or community support.
• If your parent needs help with ADL (activities of daily living), talk to a social worker or an eldercare attorney to find out if they can qualify for Medicaid, which covers long-term care in some states.
• Contact immediate family or extended family members to find out if they’re able to contribute with specific expenses.

When you live with the parents you care for

Many caregivers of elderly parents end up caring for their parents in their own homes. This is often because paying for long-term care is not possible. Still, many people also prefer this care situation because they want to be in control of their loved one’s care or prefer to have them close-by as they age.

Even if this situation is something you chose, it doesn’t mean you aren’t going to be burdened and feel trapped from time to time—and maybe much of the time. This is normal and nothing to feel guilty about.

Caring for an elderly loved one in your home usually means:

• Constant interruptions
• No off-duty time
• Broken sleep
• Loss of adult privacy
• Feeling like your home isn’t your home
• Concern about other family members, like children and spouses, resenting having to live with an elderly parent

But boundaries are possible, even if your parent lives with you. In fact, they matter more than ever in this situation. Here are some tips and strategies for making at-home caregiving more sustainable:

• Create a daily structure and care plan so you don’t offer more care than necessary.
• Hire part-time in-home help, if possible.
• Schedule time for yourself each day, even if only 10 minutes, no exceptions.
• Make a plan to ensure that you’re able to care for and connect with children and spouses.
• Discuss limits and boundaries openly and clearly with your parent.
• Consider adult daycare or scheduling social plans for your parent, so you don’t bear all the burden.

Coping strategies for when you feel trapped as a caregiver

Whatever your caregiving situation is, it’s crucial to understand that if you don’t take care of yourself, there’s no way for you to care for others, including your elderly mom or dad. Feeling trapped as a caregiver—especially if it’s intense and chronic—is a sign that something’s got to give.

Here are some tips for how to cope with feeling trapped as a caregiver:

• Do one “pressure release” step each day. This might include canceling one nonessential task, asking one person for one concrete favor, or stepping outside for 10 minutes alone.
• Write down a specific care plan (meds, doctor’s appointments, care tasks) and make sure to only take care of things on the care plan.
• Use boundaries that are kind, but firm, such as telling your parent, “I’m going to take a half hour for myself this afternoon, and I’ll be able to help you when I’m done.”
• Schedule relief for yourself, including paid help, support from family or friends, and respite care.
• Pencil self-care into your “care schedule,” including exercise, food, hydration, journaling, meditation—whatever works for you to relax and feel more like yourself.
• Talk to someone (friend, fellow caregiver, therapist) before resentment hardens into burnout.

Signs it may be time to consider a different care arrangement

Most of us would prefer that our loved ones live with us or in their own home for as long as possible. But sometimes there comes a point where a care arrangement like this is no longer sustainable or safe. Research has found that caregiving functions as a form of chronic stress exposure, where the intensity of care and witnessing the suffering of a loved one often overwhelm the caregiver’s psychological and physical resources. This can have profound long-term effects on your health and well-being.

Signs that you might need to consider an alternative care plan include:

• Safety concerns, such as your elderly parent wandering, being unable to assess danger at home, or not being able to safely use appliances.
• Your parent needs a higher level of care than you can provide, such as help with transferring from bed to wheelchair, ambulating, wound care, or other medical needs.
• Anger, aggression, confusion, hallucination, or other mental health/cognitive issues that make caregiving alone dangerous or not possible.
• Your own mental or physical health is suffering greatly, to the point where you’re unable to care for your family, work, or take care of your loved one well. 

Why this isn’t “giving up”

Moving an elderly parent to a facility or hiring in-home care for them can lead to strong feelings of guilt, especially when you feel like you are supposed to “do it all.” But when their health or well being is at risk—or when yours is—finding alternative care is the ultimate act of care and love you can give your parent.

How Sailor Health can help

Therapy for either you or your parent can make a huge difference in your overall care burden and can lessen your sense of feeling trapped.

Therapy for an aging parent can help them with things like anxiety about aging, health challenges, loneliness and isolation, depression, and anxiety. Helping them access this kind of support can decrease the extent of your parent’s emotional reliance on you and may also decrease some of their more boundary-pushing behaviors.

Talk therapy can also be helpful for caregivers by offering a safe place to share difficult feelings, assurance that these feelings are normal, and concrete ideas for coping and creating healthy boundaries. Therapy can also help if you’re contending with feelings of depression, anxiety, burnout, resentment, or grief.

Here’s more good news: therapy is covered by Medicare, whether the beneficiary is an elderly parent or an eligible adult child caregiver. Sailor Health offers online and phone therapy sessions for all Medicare recipients, and most of our patients pay $0 out of pocket. Therapists at Sailor Health specialize in senior mental health, and are familiar with the burdens experienced by caregivers.

We believe that mental health care should be exceptional yet accessible. That’s why we work with Medicare to cover up to 100% of the cost for most patients, so you can focus on feeling your best without worrying about the bill.

Teletherapy with Sailor Health is easy to schedule, available now, and doesn’t require driving or waiting rooms. We make it easy to get started - take the first step today.

FAQ

Is it normal to feel trapped caring for aging parents?

Yes, it’s normal to feel trapped and even resentful about caring for aging parents. Providing this type of intensive care can be extremely overwhelming and can take over your life.

What should I do if my elderly mother or father is consuming my life?

If your caregiving situation is making it difficult for you to function or affecting your mental or physical health, it’s time to take action. Depending on the situation, this might involve seeking outside care support, going to therapy, or setting clear boundaries with your loved one.

How do I set boundaries with an elderly parent without feeling guilty?

Pick a few “non-negotiable” boundaries with your parent and state them clearly. Remind yourself that setting a boundary is good for both you and your parent, because you need to remain whole and well in order to care for your parent.

Can therapy help if I feel trapped as a caregiver?

Yes, therapy can help understand the reasons you are feeling trapped and come up with boundaries and ways of coping.

References

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2. Ribeiro, L., Ho, B. Q., & Senoo, D. (2021). How Does a Family Caregiver's Sense of Role Loss Impact the Caregiving Experience?. Healthcare (Basel, Switzerland), 9(10), 1337. https://doi.org/10.3390/healthcare9101337
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4. Aman, Z., Liew, S. M., Ramdzan, S. N., Philp, I., & Khoo, E. M. (2020). The impact of caregiving on caregivers of older persons and its associated factors: a cross-sectional study. Singapore medical journal, 61(5), 238–245. https://doi.org/10.11622/smedj.2019100
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7. Schulz, R., Beach, S. R., Czaja, S. J., Martire, L. M., & Monin, J. K. (2020). Family Caregiving for Older Adults. Annual review of psychology, 71, 635–659. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-010419-050754 
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