Grieving an Aging Parent Who’s Still Here

If you are grieving an aging parent before their death, you are far from alone. There’s even a term for this experience: anticipatory grief. It’s a common phenomenon, and can happen whether you’re grieving a parent who has a terminal illness, a parent who’s declining due to age or dementia, or just anticipating a future loss.

Even though anticipatory grief is common and normal, that doesn’t mean it’s without challenges. This guide will offer practical tips for how to deal with anticipatory grief, and how to live with uncertainty and grief while still being present in the relationship.

How anticipatory grief can look with aging parents

Anticipatory grief—i.e., grief before death—is traditionally defined as grief that unfolds when you learn that a loved one is facing a terminal disease. It includes not just grief and mourning, but a change in mindset that happens when you know you are losing someone.

Anticipatory grief isn’t just reserved for people whose loved one is facing a terminal diagnosis. It includes feelings of grief that happen when you become aware of a loved one’s mortality, or when you see them lose abilities and health as part of the aging process.

Anticipatory grief is also quite common when a loved one has dementia, with many people describing it as a slow and protracted death. The loved one is present in body, but their mind is gradually and painfully slipping away. They are here, but they aren’t really here. Sometimes when a person is physically present, but cognitively absent, it’s also referred to as “ambiguous loss.”

Anticipatory grief can come in waves. Small gestures or memories may remind you of the grief you feel. It can include feelings of loss from the past, feelings experienced in your present life, and feelings of grief and loss you anticipate feeling in the future.

Keep in mind, too, that anticipatory grief doesn’t just include feelings of sadness. It may include irritability, guilt, trouble concentrating, feeling resentful, withdrawing emotionally, and having trouble feeling like you can enjoy time with your loved one.

All of these feelings are normal and expected when you are dealing with anticipatory grief.

Why grieving before death can feel so confusing

We usually associate grieving with something reserved for funerals and for a period of time after someone has died. This is one reason why anticipatory grief of aging parents is so confusing. Many people don’t know that it’s even a thing, and they may not feel permission to feel grief and loss in advance of a person’s death.

In addition, as you are experiencing this grief, you are still navigating the relationship itself. Your parent or loved one is there, and you are having to contend with being present with them, even as you grieve them. How do you deal with your parent’s changing role in your life, and your role in your family structure? How do you stay present in the relationship when it feels like you are constantly saying goodbye?

Anticipatory grief can be even more complicated if you have a history of a strained relationship with your loved one. When this happens, you may not just be grieving the upcoming loss, but you may be grieving the relationship itself. This can bring up feelings of resentment, distance, withdrawal, and anger.

When someone is dealing with anticipatory grief, they will imagine their loved one’s death or rehearse it in their mind. It’s important to note that this is often your mind’s attempt at preparing for the uncertainty of an anticipated loss. It’s not evidence that you are wanting your loved one to die.

Anticipatory grief isn’t just confusing for the person experiencing it, but often for people who are witnessing it from outside the relationship. They may not understand the concept of grief before death. When people minimize your experiencing of grief or think you are overreacting, it’s referred to as disenfranchised grief.

When you feel unheard or dismissed this way, it can leave you even more confused and upset, as though you aren’t entitled to grieve. But this is not the case. Anticipatory grief is real and you are allowed to feel these feelings.

Dealing with anticipatory grief without losing the present

One of the hardest parts of anticipatory grief is trying to stay present with your loved one, even as you anticipate losing them. It’s okay if you aren’t able to fully relax into the present moment. For many of us, that’s simply part of the experience, and it can be helpful to accept those feelings.

Naming the loss, and the anticipation of future losses, is one important way of coping with this type of grief. In fact, being present with your own feelings—which may include grief, sadness, frustration, abandonment, and confusion—is one primary way you can stay present with your loved one.

When it comes to interacting with your loved one even as you’re grieving them, you may feel pressure to “make every moment count,” and you can do that, in whatever way you see fit. For example:

• You might try coming up with shared routines or meaningful activities you can participate in with your loved one.
• It might be helpful to share old memories and reflect together on the relationship.
• Sometimes, you’ll need to come up with creative ways to adapt old beloved activities into what is possible in your loved one’s present state.

But sometimes time together won’t look like you hope it will look, and difficult feelings will get in the way. Try to accept that this is also part of your grieving process. Support is of utmost importance here. Having trusted friends or professionals who can help you process your feelings can make it easier to “go with the flow” and try to relax into whatever feelings are coming up for you.

What helps when guilt, anxiety, or sadness take over

Anticipatory grief can lead to guilt loops, where you experience guilt-ridden thoughts on a loop— like that you are a bad son/daughter, that you don’t visit enough, that you should be more grateful for your loved one, and that somehow, you should be able to prevent your parent’s aging or decline.

Feelings of guilt, depression, anxiety, anger, and symptoms like trouble sleeping or having headaches, are all common when someone is experiencing anticipatory grief. But that doesn’t mean you should just live with those difficult feelings.

It can be helpful to try to separate out the different thoughts you are having, so that you can see more clearly what you can actually control in this situation, and what is out of your hands. This can help you accept the situation for what it is, and get out of the guilt loop you may find yourself in.

Here are some questions you might consider asking yourself for clarification:

• What has actually changed with my loved one?
• What am I afraid might change in the future?
• What can I do now to support my loved one, or influence the situation?
• What is simply out of my control?
• What problems am I trying to solve before they can be solved?
• What problems am I trying to solve that can’t be solved by me?

Bear in mind that sometimes these challenging feelings aren’t something you can solve on your own. If you are experiencing depression, anxiety, thoughts that won’t stop spinning, panic, trouble sleeping, or if you are having a hard time functioning, you should seek the support of a mental health professional.

How therapy for anticipatory grief can help the whole family

Anticipatory grief is normal and not always something that requires outside support. But sometimes anticipatory grief that isn’t addressed—especially if it includes feelings of depression, anxiety, serious guilt, or other mental health issues—can lead to complicated grief, where the grief persists and intensifies.

Therapy—and grief counseling, in particular—can be helpful, whether you’re experiencing normal anticipatory grief, anticipatory grief mixed with mental health symptoms, or any other type of prolonged grief.

Therapy can help you understand and better tolerate the complicated feelings you are experiencing, including helping you to work through unhealed relationship pain from the past. Therapists can help you name and normalize what you are feeling so that it’s easier to manage.

Age-informed therapy can be helpful for your loved one too, as it can provide a private space for them to process the fear, anxiety, and grief they are feeling about their aging process and mortality. It also helps relieve some of the burden on caregivers and loved ones who may be their parent’s only emotional anchor.

Many people think of grief therapy as something that happens after you lose someone close to you, but can be enormously helpful and restorative for those of us who are grieving parents who are still here, too.

How Sailor Health can help you process anticipatory grief

Grieving a parent who is still here is a quiet and confusing kind of loss. Whether you're an adult child watching your parent decline or an older adult confronting health shifts in yourself or a partner, processing these emotions doesn’t have to happen in isolation. Therapy offers a dedicated, nonjudgmental space to name what you are feeling, work through guilt or anxiety, and find ways to stay grounded in the present moment with your loved one.

Sailor Health makes reaching that support much easier by bringing virtual mental healthcare directly to you. Sessions are conducted from the comfort of home via video or phone call (including landlines), eliminating the need to arrange transportation, drive to appointments, or navigate clinical offices.

Our therapists are experienced older adults themselves who understand the unique emotional weight, family dynamics, and mental health challenges that accompany later-life transitions. We match you with a provider based on your specific needs and preferences, and you may be able to begin therapy in as little as 24 hours after signing up.

Sailor Health works directly with Medicare to keep costs low, and most of our Medicare patients have a $0 copay. If the emotional weight of anticipatory grief feels heavy to carry on your own, support may be closer than you think. Reach out when you’re ready, and we’ll help you take the first step.

Anticipatory grief FAQ

Can you experience anticipatory grief if your parent isn’t terminally ill?

Yes, you can grieve parents who are declining and changing as they age.

Is it normal to imagine someone’s funeral before they die?

It’s uncomfortable and scary, but it’s absolutely normal to imagine someone’s funeral when you know they are going to die.

What’s the difference between anticipatory grief and ambiguous loss?

Anticipatory grief is grief that happens when you know someone is going to die, but ambiguous loss is when you’ve lost someone cognitively or psychologically before their body has died. It can also happen when someone has gone missing, but their death isn’t yet confirmed.

Can anticipatory grief cause anxiety, depression, or mood swings?

Sometimes anticipatory grief can cause these feelings. If they persist, it may be time to get some mental health support.

Why do I feel guilty for grieving a parent who is still alive?

When you see a parent deteriorate or know that they have a terminal illness, you may feel grief for a long time before they pass.

Does anticipatory grief mean I’m giving up hope?

No, it means that you’re allowing yourself to tap into the natural feelings that come when you know you are losing someone.

How can I support my aging parent without thinking constantly about losing them?

You can find meaningful ways of engaging with them in their current state. But if you are unable to stop thinking constantly about losing them, you might need some professional mental health support.

Should I talk to my parent about my anticipatory grief?

It depends on your relationship with them. Often, though, it’s best to discuss this with a trusted friend or therapist who is outside the situation.

Can therapy help even when there’s no immediate crisis or impending death?

Yes, therapists understand the concept of anticipatory grief and can support you in managing your complicated feelings.

Does Medicare cover grief counseling or therapy for older adults?

As long as a person is eligible for Medicare and enrolled in the program, Medicare with cover most types of mental health therapy, including grief therapy.

References

• Paulsen, B. T., Kærgaard Johansen, M. L., Lund, S. K., Enggaard, H., & Jørgensen, L. (2025). Anticipatory grief - A neglected phenomenon among relatives of patients with incurable cancer: A qualitative study. European journal of oncology nursing : the official journal of European Oncology Nursing Society, 74, 102730. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ejon.2024.102730
• K. E., DeKosky, S. T., Schulz, R., Reynolds, C. F., 3rd, & Dew, M. A. (2012). Anticipatory grief in new family caregivers of persons with mild cognitive impairment and dementia. Alzheimer disease and associated disorders, 26(2), 159–165. https://doi.org/10.1097/WAD.0b013e31822f9051
• Lemos Dekker N. (2023). Anticipatory Grief in Dementia: An Ethnographic Study of Loss and Connection. Culture, medicine and psychiatry, 47(3), 701–721. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11013-022-09792-3
• Ambiguous Loss: The Grief is Real (2023). University of Rochester Medicine.
• https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/behavioral-health-partners/bhp-blog/december-2023/ambiguous-loss-the-grief-is-real
• Cesur-Soysal, G., & Arı, E. (2024). How We Disenfranchise Grief for Self and Other: An Empirical Study. Omega, 89(2), 530–549. https://doi.org/10.1177/00302228221075203
• Living with Anticipatory Grief (2026). Washington State Employee Assistance Program.
• https://eap.wa.gov/resource-library/living-anticipatory-grief
• Li, C., Tang, N., Yang, L., Zeng, Q., Yu, T., Pu, X., Wang, J., & Zhang, H. (2023). Effect of caregiver burden on anticipatory grief among caregivers of elderly cancer patients: Chain mediation role of family functioning and resilience. Frontiers in psychology, 13, 1020517. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.1020517